Awards rant

As Edwin Starr almost sang: awards, heurgh, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing. And he'd have probably said it again. Particularly when it comes to the British ones.

The Oscars have a place. The Grammys have a purpose - even if it is only 'let's see how much more specific we can make our award titles.' How else do you explain - and I quote - 'Best Southern, Country or Bluegrass Gospel Album (for albums containing 51 per cent or more playing time of vocal tracks)'?

Those ceremonies, while they drag on for hours, mean something. They have class. They have kudos. People actually turn up because they actually want to win.

Which makes them very different from most of our awards ceremonies. The BAFTAs are embarrassing. The Brits are shambolic. And don't get us started on the one Lily Allen got escorted out of the other night. Yeah, you know the one. The same one that gave Fearne Cotton the Presenter of the Year award. Who, like, er, knew, woo yeah! that, gosh, being Fearne COTTON and shouting at ODD moMENTS in a senTENCE could win you prizes?! That's like, really brilliant!

Only it isn't. It's embarrassing. Those award ceremonies, like so many others – and you know who you are – aren't attended by the great and the good because they want to win. They're attended by the awful and the desperate because, just by turning up, they're probably going to win something.

For example, let's look at Jane Goldman's "Filmmaker of the Year" trophy. Jane co-wrote Stardust. But then "Co-writer of a Single Script" doesn't sound like a great prize, even by this ceremony's standards... and "Mrs Jonathan Ross of the Year" might have sounded nepotistic. But Kate Moss as "Entrepreneur of the Year"? She 'designed' a couple of frocks for Topshop. Could someone point out the difference between 'endorser' and 'entrepreneur'? And "Film Actress of the Year" for Kate Beckinsale? In a year that Julie Christie broke hearts as an Alzheimer's sufferer and Marion Cotillard WAS Edith Piaf, Kate Beckinsale made Vacancy. Of course, Julie and Marion weren't there but Kate was... Gosh. Perhaps the events are connected? Shame on you, Glamour.

Meanwhile, in America, we've just had the MTV Movie Awards. While they're not without their token gestures, as in Will just-happen-to-be-there Smith's Best Male Performance for, er, I Am Legend, that might just have been to prevent Johnny Depp winning everything, having already secured Best Villain (Sweeney Todd) and Best Comedic Performance (Jack Sparrow).

Yes, it's crowd pleasing, but Transformers winning a Best Picture prize is much easier to stomach than Fearne bleeding Cotton being treated like a professional.