Celebrity autobiographies

Once upon a time it meant Chaplin or Sinatra or Fanny Craddock: people that everybody in the country knew. Nowadays, it means anybody who's appeared on Casualty with a vacuum cleaner inserted somewhere vacuum cleaners shouldn't be inserted. Even if you are removing gerbils.

One brief moment of domestic implement-related comedy relief used to be a few seconds off the predicted 15 minutes. Now it's a launch pad to an appearance on Ready Steady Cook, several weeks in the Big Brother house and a month eating rat pellets in the jungle. But there's a more worrying trend. It was bad enough when "celebs" released a single – generally Unchained Melody, generally thanks to Simon Cowell – but now everyone – and we mean everyone – is releasing a book.

From Jade Goody's My Autobiography – which begs the question, who else's would it be, you manatee? - to Jordan's latest book – the third volume and she's not even 30 – via Colleen soon-to-be Rooney – who wrote hers at the approximate age of, er, foetus – they're all bleeding at it.

It's a remarkable trend which sees icons like these – and even eternal WAG Cassie Sumner – occupy the same shelf space as Anne Frank's Diary to meet a demand from people previously more readily distracted by flashing lights, rattling noises and lots of pretty pictures.

We know we can't stop it. But we can save you money and bring you the abridged versions...

Jordan: Pushed To The Limit. Whether the title's a reference to her hellish life as a nipple-bearing millionairess or the public's attention span for a third autobiography is unclear but £18.99 will get you pearls of wisdom such as: "Now I knew I was having a girl, I could start thinking about names. I knew exactly what I wanted to call her – Princess." Why Princess? Because she'd be her little Princess. Genius.

Abridged version: Showed world boobs. Got boobs done. Showed world bigger boobs. Married Peter Andre. Got boobs reduced. Show world slightly smaller boobs. And new nose.

Sharon Osbourne: Extreme. Sharon's another one who's managed to eke her life story across multiple volumes. You can now enjoy all 372 pages of Extreme, where she brings the earth-shattering revelation that drug-addled, booze-fuelled Ozzy's behaviour "was always unpredictable" and explains that X Factor outburst against Steve "Smug" Brookstein. Steve had apparently rolled his eyes at Sharon's opinion during the dress rehearsal and Sharon lost her rag. "Who am I to take this sh*t from a f*cking pub singer?" she asked herself. Er, someone who owes her existence and fame and supermarket-endorsing to marrying into talent? Which bring us to...

Abridged version: Got born. Married rockstar. Sold ASDA products. Unleased Kelly on an unsuspecting world.

Sian Lloyd: A Funny Kind of Love.

Britain's favourite weather presenter – it says here – Sian is the wide-mouthed temperature quoting Liberal-shagger who was left heartbroken when our favourite walking anagram, Lembit Opek, dumped her for a Cheeky Girl. A princely £17.99 will get you 283 pages of weather, whining and wisdom such as "hindsight is not something you have at the time."

Best bit? "I was wearing designer jeans and a favourite red Donna Karan top. I was in the mood for a party that night..." Yay, rock and roll.

Abridged version: Read autocue for a living, met politician, got dumped for someone who sings about bottoms.