Mamma Mia mayhem

Quite easily actually, if you're not: a) gay; b) part of a hen party; or c) happy to sit through really badly made films. What happened to the musical? Mamma Mia is, according to the blurb, a musical based on the songs of Abba. It's not. It's a show – with a surprisingly decent plot – where the songs of Abba have been shoehorned in with the sort of subtlety Peter Andre applies his fake tan with. The film of Mamma Mia takes all of the above, adds a big name cast – Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, Julie Walters, et al – sticks them in picture postcard bits of Greece and makes a gigantic mess of it all. As a film, it's a shambles. As a piece of dumb entertainment? It will have people dancing in the aisles. Rarely has the critic been so superfluous. No negative comment will have any effect on the target audience who are no doubt booking coaches as I type. Cinemas across the country are no doubt already working on the "singalong" version. Hen party organisers have no doubt put down the willie-themed goodies so they can rub their little hands with glee. Mamma Mia is not a film. It's a crowd-pleasing juggernaut, a big, dumb slice of big dumb summer entertainment. It's Independence Day with Abba songs instead of aliens. One thing it's not though? It's not a musical. Because musicals make some sort of sense and, in the best cases, are a magical combination of book and score, where the songs fit perfectly and drive the story forward. In Mamma Mia, you can hear the creak as crowbar's are used to force the songs in. Meryl Streep's hotel could and should be thriving. But no, it's run down and she can't afford the upkeep. Hmm. If only she had a little money but, wouldn't you know it, it's a rich man's world... She and Pierce Brosnan had a fling 20 years before but he left. And after he'd gone, how could she even try to go on? When Streep's old mates arrive for her daughter's wedding, they worry that Meryl's forgotten how to have fun. After all, she could dance. She could jive. She could be having the time of her life. Thank Christ they leave Waterloo to a concert performance over the end credits or they'd suddenly have to find an excuse to go to Portsmouth on Network Southeast. As mentioned above though, the premise is a cracker. Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) lives with her mum in Greece, and is getting married to the unlikely named Sky (Dominic Cooper) in a few days time. Sophie has never known her dad and mum Donna (Streep) isn't telling. But Sophie's found Donna's old diary and discovered that, 20 years before, Donna was a bit of a girl, having flings with Sam (Brosnan), Harry (Firth) and Bill (Stellan Skarsgard) in the same summer. One of those three is her dad... so she's invited them all to the wedding without Donna's knowledge. There is a fine rom-com – or even a poignant drama – to be made from that. It really doesn't need the Abba songs – as fine as they undoubtedly are – to be worked in. Or, more to the point, jemmied in, nailed on and then held in place by gaffer tape. The most worrying aspect is where will it stop? How long before, say, the Steps musical? Obviously something terrible would have to happen in that one, because the feeling's strong and you can't go on. Or S Club? There'd have to be a bank robbery - "this is a hold-up, so reach up for the stars..." -and maybe a police marksman who can't get a clean shot because everybody's moving around and around? Or Radiohead? Where it doesn't really matter what happens, because it'd just end in mass suicide. Or how about Queen? It could be set in a future world where a massive corporation controls all the music and creativity is stifled and our two heroes, Galileo and Scaramouche... Nah. You're right. That would just be silly.