Pregnancy scares

As is often the case, it’s the woman who shoulders the responsibility, while the man become either the b*stard (see the Running Man above) or Terrified Supportive Man, which can be almost as annoying.

Firstly, you have to be sensitive and find out how she feels about the situation. Sadly, you won’t find that out until after she had gauged your reaction, by which time you will have already c*cked up unforgivably. (Tip: Don’t scream.)

That is, of course, assuming you don’t want a child. If you do, whoop-de-do.
If you do not, certain things will flash across your mind that you must not say out of your mouth, unless you want to risk the wrath. Don’t. Don’t risk the wrath.

The “Are you certain it’s mine?” question is a tough one to ask as it could be, and has been, misheard somewhat as “Who else have you been sleeping with, you dirty little whore?”

Consider the subsequent smashing of crockery a lesson to you.

All scrutinising questions about timing and precautions and DNA testing are a minefield in which every step is explosive, so keep them to yourself unless you have very good reason to consider that someone else’s little swimmers having been doing the lengths.

The “Do you want it,” question is often returned with a “Do you?” So don’t ask. Wait for her to ask you, then return, “Do you?” She may not know, but at least it gets you out of having to speak your mind, which must be avoided at all costs.

The words “I’m pregnant” send a shudder down my spine along the lines of “I used to be a man called Steve,” but the flee instinct must be curtailed (unlike with Steve, when it should be embraced). My approach is to let her make up her own mind without influence of hindrance from me, thereby sidestepping even more responsibility, whilst appearing to be supportive. Strangely, no one has decided it would be a good idea to bring a little Rogue into the world, leaving me both relieved and insulted. Oh well.