Summer Lovin'

It started well. The first signs of summer – me walking into street furniture with the shock of seeing skimpy summer dresses floating past – came quite early. Unbelievably hot girls say ‘it’s summer’ more than any elderflower blossom ever will.

The rainy summer did gift me one lovely tryst with a colleague, when a sudden downpour led us to getting urgently out of our wet things. The subsequent near nudity and helpful towelling led to a curiosity that in turn led to a hugely profitable closer inspection. My findings remain confidential but I can assure you there were thoroughly impressive. Everything was in order and in some cases exceeded expectations.

But for real summer lovin’ I’ve had to leave our unpredictable isle for Seville, a city bathed in beautiful sunshine and boasting the highest concentration of jaw-dropping, stammer-inducing honeys this side of the Playboy Mansion.

My Pidgin Spanish was sufficient to get me nice wine, great food, one slap in the face and a hotel romp that relieved me of my wallet at a time when I’d racked up a huge room service bill, mostly on champagne and chocolate sauce.

I wasn’t bothered about the money, only that it tarnished a delicious memory. Alita was as much an opportunist as me. Except I was after her silky Andalusian skin, shaped into irresistible curves by some incredibly horny god. She couldn’t resist the easy pickings of a tourist she’d never see again. Chaviness knows no borders.

Money is such a vulgar desire, unless you’re destitute. Much more so than my passion-driven peccadilloes. The money-driven are a dreary lot so I was more disappointed to think I might have been conjoined with a beautiful Spani-chav who was a part-time bore.

I decided against calling the police. It’s something of a rule – never invite the police into your hotel room. It’s their job to be nosey and you’ve always got something to hide. It’s like the ID card debate. Supporters say ‘if you’ve nothing to hide there’s no problem’. I say, if you’ve nothing to hide, you’re not trying hard enough.