Except, I didn't know I had sex toys in my luggage. My lady friend, Shanna, who I'd shared a glorious week in New York with had asked if she could fit some stuff in my case, as hers was overflowing with frocks and shoes from her extensive retail therapy. It was more like a retail tsunami than therapy. She shopped so much I barely had time to filth her at various locations around the city, including a daring episode in Central Park at dawn that was both mucky and strangely romantic.
The only time we shopped together was for sex toys, which seem to have developed a greater variety than nature itself.
We met some friends, Matt and Sal, on our flight back and the girls had gone ahead for more urgently required shopping as me and Matt passed through Nothing To Declare.
I still hadn't twigged even when I heard the faint sound of buzzing. A Customs Officer pulled me aside and asked me to open my case. When I realised that was where the buzzing was coming, I assumed it was my toothbrush.
"Did you pack your case yourself, sir?" I was asked.
Irrationally fearing that a negative response could land me In Guantanamo Bay, where I would be tortured for the benefit of world freedom, I said yes.
So when he revealed the source of the buzzing as an Ultra 7 Rabbit vibrator, with an ultra soft penis head and rotating shaft, I began to wish I'd packed explosives, which would have been less embarrassing.
I didn't know what to say. I said, "It glows in the dark you know."
He looked at me - and Matt - with thinly disguised suspicion as he began to prod the gently vibrating beaver tongue clit jobbie.
"I bought it for my girlfriend," I muttered as I tried to turn it off. It wouldn't turn off. I began shaking this massive purple dildo in front of passing strangers in an attempt to end its mocking of me. It took me a good five minutes, by which time my face was the same colour as the rabbit.
Both Matt and myself were thoroughly searched but they only took away some handcuffs and nipple clamps and merely tutted over the egg and clit teaser.
When we eventually got through, Sal explained that Shanna had to leave. When I caught up with her I made sure I used every ounce of battery-powered stimulation until she actually begged me to stop. Then I changed the batteries and continued.
