Confessions of a rogue: Planes, trains and automobiles

...on a happy note, 70% of them were beautiful. And the rest were men.

While I preferred the angels on bikes to the girls in windows, I was puzzled by their choice of vehicle. I mean, you can hardly have sex on a bike, which in my book makes it pretty redundant as transport.

I have to confess a weakness for sex whilst travelling. You’re not even wasting time and you’re making an otherwise dull journey exciting. I don’t know why more people don’t do it on the way to work. When I become Mayor or Pope or something, I will bring in a love carriage on each train. What would you rather do? Stand in grim silence, killing time, or be interfered with by a hot stranger (or for the truly odd, your husband or wife) in a carriage complete with soft furnishings, sexy beats, discrete lighting, free condoms and plenty of places to attach restraints. Vote Rogue and get to work with a smile on your face and that lovely freshly serviced feeling.

My first transport sex was on a train at the tender age of 16 with a girlfriend who became obsessed with train sex, hence the name Train Shame Jane. We progressed from the first furtive blow job under a newspaper that fooled no one, to a quickie in the loo, to shagging her as she sat on my lap with another passenger a few feet away pretending not to notice. I would say he got more out of it than me, but that wasn’t possible.

Girls are very daring, I’ve found. In the right mood they’ll do it anywhere, especially if there’s an outside chance of getting caught, the naughty minxes.

Never mind the MOT, my first car had its suspension fully tested in sessions with Ample Ann, a rigorous ordeal that pushed it and me to the very limits of endurance.

I have nearly died receiving oral sex while driving in the States but would happily do it again if anyone needs a lift.

The tram shag remains elusive, and an attempt on a hovercraft came up short, as I was still waxing lyrical over Gemma’s unleashed orbs when we arrived in France.

I moved on to airplanes to join the mile high club. In the loo first time (beginners’ level), in first class (advanced) but I have still to mount the cockpit (black belt).

All in all I’d say sex is the only way to travel.