Love and work

If, however, you have learned that work is just work and sex is on an altogether higher plain, then you’ll find that sex and work go together swimmingly.

To be fair, the lecture I was receiving was from the director of the company. He was concerned with the company’s bottom line, whereas I was concerned with his secretary’s bottom. He wasn’t to know that his office had been used for a variety of sexual misdemeanours while he was in strategy meetings, nor that we got more use out of his sturdy desk than he could dream of.

In the days when I used to work for a living, I found myself in the city of Leeds with 11 staff, 9 of whom were women. The director heard that my judgement over a recent promotion may have been clouded by what he called “getting your leg over” with a girl from Belle Isle, whose knickerless Isle had been less than elusive. I could hardly tell him that my judgement could not have been affected given that I had my “leg over” with 7 out of 9 of my female staff. It was very close to equal opportunity.

Of course it led to my downfall. Also, an attempt on my life by my then girlfriend, who, like the director had only heard about one of my liaisons. Unfortunately it was with a girl she absolutely detested and so felt justified in throwing a small television out of our bedroom window at my head when I arrived home.

“I’m sensing tension,” I said having dodged the bullet, but she was in no mood for humour. She was in the mood for castration.

Not only did I get run out of my own home, I was eventually hounded out of town like a shandy-swilling southern softie. But a softie who had found the warmth of the North in your wife, sister and neighbour.

At the time I wasn’t aware of how abnormal it was. I was simply taking advantage of having my own office. What else was I supposed to do with it? Have meetings?

My office, the boss’s desk, the stationery cupboard, the disabled toilet, the lift, the fire escape, the computer server room, all went from being the perfunctory work spaces to exciting sexy places. It’s like modern art, except good.