Confessions of a rogue

“You kinky thing,” I said. Inside however, I was awash with confusion. Why, oh why, oh why, would anyone do such a thing? Why deny yourself our greatest pleasure in order to offer your husband awkward, painful sex with a total amateur on your wedding night?

I would immediately be reaching for the bridesmaid with the naughty smile and years of unbridled gymnastics behind her.

Jenni wasn’t impressed by my argument. Nor my assertion that she must be great at… other things in bed, some of which she found disgusting, while others required diagrams.

Stunned into perseverance I railed against the whole concept of “control yourself now, have limited joy later,” in favour of “enjoy yourself to the max now, and even more so later.”

It’s a simple philosophy but one that embraces my firm belief that saving anything - money, coupons, vouchers, hymen - for a rainy day puts the emphasis on a dark, wet future. Me, I’m all about a bright, wet present.

Jessica Simpson is a great example of the virginity myth. She saved herself for marriage and soon got divorced. Now her only virgin territory is the space between her ears where people usually have thoughts.

It’s often hot girls who save themselves. If you’re a lump of moose, who gives a crap? But Simpson is a beautiful woman with an incredible bod. The fact that she’s a complete airhead doesn’t help the ‘No sex please, I’ve confused it with morality’ crowd.

Jesus, that engagement must have been tough. “You can’t have me but you can enjoy my personality.” Thanks, Jess, but I’ve had better conversations with toast.

Jenni wasn’t an airhead, though perhaps a little confused. It’s hard to be expert on the significance of sex when you haven’t actually had it. Luckily some of us have devoted themselves to painstaking research on the subject and are willing to share the benefit of their experience. And while she remained happily intact, I’m happy to report the diagrams didn’t go to waste ;-)

Last week's confessions.