Cash clash

Q: I earn more than most men and it really seems to throw them. It’s fine at the start but it soon becomes painfully apparent that my lifestyle and theirs are miles apart. A friend told me I should pretend I earn less to make men feel more comfortable but why should I have to lie? Lying isn’t the answer because you’re right, it soon does become apparent who’s got money and who hasn’t. Two or three dates into a relationship, even couples that haven’t a clue what the other earns, find out fast because your incomes determine what you do together. If you’re both reasonably affluent, eating out at posh res¬taurants is de rigueur. If they go deathly pale as you order the lobster, it’s a fair bet they’re mentally calculating the cost. The relationship’s particularly vulnerable if the female is the richer of the two. The old ‘he should earn more’ attitude might be buried, but it’s still there at the back of people’s minds. He may feel ‘less of a man’ because he can’t afford to take you to places you’d prefer to go or spoil you with ¬expensive gifts. Don’t downplay what you earn but don’t rub it in either. Take turns paying and pick quirky cheap eats when it’s his turn. Split things proportionately: if you earn twice as much as him, you pay twice as much. Q: I have great respect for money and my new boyfriend doesn’t. It’s the cause of most of our arguments. He just wastes money and he doesn’t actually have that much to waste. I can’t conceive of ever living together because I think it would cause massive arguments. I’ve called him on it and he says it’s none of my business. It probably isn’t at this point but spending styles are incredibly important. The combination of a penny-pincher (well, that’s how he probably sees you) with Mr Splash-it-around (which is definitely how you see him) isn’t a match made in heaven. He’ll be insulted by your ‘cheap’ presents; you’ll give him a hard time for ‘wasting’ money on DVDs and buying more than his share of rounds at the pub. There really is danger ahead if you move in. It’s not just worrying whether he’ll have the cash to pay half the rent, there’s the saving-up-for-a-house-deposit part of the relationship – guaranteed to cause arguments. You’ll be 100 per cent committed, taking lunch in a bag to work. He’ll still be buying three new CDs a week. Just as matching libidos mean less problems in the bedroom, matching incomes and attitudes to money mean less problems out of it. Cupid has a nasty habit of shooting arrows into financially non-compatible hearts but it’s early days by the sounds of it, you’ve tried talking to him and already there seems little flexibility….dare I suggest, you simply walk away? Q: My best friend is super generous to the point where it’s almost too much. I know she earns the same as me but she’s so much more extravagant. I feel like a meanie but I honestly can’t afford to spend what she spends. You drop in for coffee at her house clutching a packet of Hobnobs, she drops in for a drink clutching Veuve Clicquot and caviar. Some people are extravagant, others aren’t. She may have learnt somewhere along the line that you show affection through expensive presents rather than other, less costly, ways (like affection, being there etc). Overgenerous spenders tend to equate money with love. The bigger and more expensive the present, the more liked they’ll be by the recipient. It could be her parents splash money around or maybe it’s the opposite: her parents were scrooges and she was embarrassed by their behaviour or totally sick of not having nice things. Some people just like spending lots on their friends but if it worries you that much, say to her ‘Your presents are amazing but I really feel like I’m not matching up. Thing is, I can’t afford to because I’m saving for (whatever). Please don’t feel like you have to spoil me all the time because I’d love you even if you bought me just a card’. If she continues after that, just accept with a smile. It’s making her feel good, stop feeling bad about it. Q: I’m about to move in with my boyfriend. Do you recommend opening a joint account or keeping our accounts separate? In the old days, the minute you got married all accounts became joint accounts. These days, most couples keep their own personal accounts and open up joint accounts for shared expenses and/or future goals. It’s a nice blend between retaining individuality and working together, and it also allows for different spending styles. (If you both agree on an amount to deposit in the joint account, it doesn’t really bother you what they do with the rest of it.) I’d still strongly suggest you work out a budget for joint expenses though, even if you do decide to keep your money separately. Q: My boyfriend is super rich. It’s lovely but on the other hand, it’s not. I’m a proud person and I feel quite uncomfortable with him paying for me the whole time. In plenty of relationships, the person with the money has the power in the relationship. They’re seen as the better ‘catch’. If he’s constantly paying for you, it can feel like you’re constantly thanking him - and that you’re expected to feel eternally grateful for the lifestyle he’s providing. A bit like the poor cousin dressed in their hand-me-downs. It’s not pleasant, so have a chat. Explain to him that as much as it’s lovely being treated, you would like to foot the bill sometimes. If you can’t afford to pick up the big restaurant bills, pick up the bill for little things (coffees while you’re out, groceries from the corner shop). Even it up in other ways - cook him dinner, offer to help out with chores if he’s time poor. If you can’t match him financially, contribute to the relationship in other ways.