Tracey Cox on... should you forgive a cheater?

Q: I have been with my partner for five years and am very happy. But he recently admitted that very early on in the relationship he slept with an ex of his. He said we hadn’t made a commitment to each other, she showed up and they got drunk and ended up in bed together. I feel very hurt and am finding it hard to forgive him. He’s devastated that I am hurt.

A: A one-off incident with seemingly genuine reasons to explain it is a lot easier to forgive than repeated slip-ups or a long-term affair. This was very early in the relationship and it sounds like there was an unspoken rather than verbal commitment between you. I’m not sure why he told you – things like this are better left unsaid, I believe, because there’s absolutely nothing to be gained by confessing. But confess he did.

I think it would be a shame to throw away a perfectly good relationship away over this. He’s sorry he hurt you, accepts what he did was wrong and there doesn’t appear to be any evidence it’s been repeated or ever will be. If it had happened after the relationship became serious, and both of you knew it was, that’s a different story. But in this case, I’d try very hard to put it in the past and move on.

Q: My husband had an affair and I found out. We’ve sorted it out and I have forgiven, if not forgotten. The problem is my friends haven’t. They refuse to see him and keep telling me I am wrong for taking him back. I’m trying to trust again and this isn’t helping.

A: As annoying and unhelpful as it might be, your friends are simply trying to protect you from further hurt. They were the ones that picked you up off the floor and they don’t want to see you back down there again. Their motives are pure. Having said that, it’s your decision whether to give your husband another chance, not theirs and they should respect that.

Sit them down, separately or together, and tell them that you have thought it through very carefully and want to give it another chance and would appreciate their support. Tell them you understand if they have misgivings but your decision stands. If they can’t support you, make the subject off limits. The question does have to be asked though: why are you forgiving him when they aren’t? No affair is ever justified but some are more understandable than others. Are you certain he is worth another chance? If you are 100% sure then stick to your guns.

Q: My boyfriend has accused me of being unfaithful but I don’t think I have been. He found out I have lunch and the odd drink with a guy from work that I get on well with. Sure, we flirt but there’s nothing going on. I didn’t tell him because I knew he’d get jealous and think he’s completely over-reacting.

A: Infidelity come in many disguises. You don’t need to kiss, sleep with or even touch someone to be unfaithful. You don’t even have to meet in the flesh. Plenty of people are unfaithful by flirting or having cyber sex on the net. Infidelity is about sharing intimate, romantic and/or sexual feelings on a regular basis with someone other than your partner. That’s not the standard definition but it is mine. If you’re unsure what you’re doing is right or wrong, ask yourself, "If my partner caught me doing this, would they be upset?" If the answer is, "yes," then don’t do it. What’s even more important than what you did is that you both agree on a definition of unfaithful.

You say you didn’t tell your boyfriend because he’d get jealous. How about you invite your boyfriend to meet him next time you have a drink? I suspect your answer is "God no, I want him to myself". What you’re doing is emotional infidelity. It starts like this with a few"‘innocent" drinks and before you know it, you’re confessing things to your "friend" that you aren’t to your boyfriend and we are closest to the people that know our secrets. In short, your boyfriend has a right to be upset even if it’s not technically as bad as he fears. If you can’t include him in this friendship, I think you have to let one of them go. Q: I went onto my partner’s facebook page and clicked through to one of his friends and found some pictures there of the two of them, all over each other and kissing, on a night when he told me he was out with the boys. She’s calling him her new boyfriend. I don’t know what to do now. Do I confront him?

A: Text, facebook, emails, missed calls– it’s oh so easy to get found out these days. Just like you did, it’s simply a matter of checking out their "friends" or having a quick glance through his texts or email. (It’s usually all there in black and white because most people can’t bear to delete messages from people they’re having a "thing" with.) Facebook is public and while it was sneaky to click through to a friend, it’s not unforgivable.

You did it because you were suspicious and your suspicions were confirmed. Definitely confront him! See if he has anything to say to make you believe him, rather than what you’re seeing in the pictures. Were the kisses "friendly" or full-on snogs? Even if they weren’t, the fact he lied about where he was speaks volumes. Quite frankly, I’d be prepared for the confrontation to end in you dumping him.

Q: How do you trust again when someone has cheated on you? I want to give my partner another chance but it’s like a tape of him with this other woman is on continuous play in my head. I can’t seem to get past the hurt stage to even think about healing.

You don’t say how long ago it happened but this is very normal. Horrible images will flood in until the shock wears off. Sometimes, knowing all the details can help you get past this. Other people don’t want to know because they know they won’t cope. Wait a few weeks and see if you feel any better. It’s usual to feel angry and insecure for months afterward, maybe longer if you’ve been together a long time. One of the most common questions I get asked is "Will our relationship ever be the same again?". The answer is no. Your old relationship is dead and you need to build a new one. It’s never going to be as "pure" as it was because the innocence and trust have gone and can never be brought back again.

You have to replace it with things like "We’re survivors – even this didn’t break us up!". He needs to regain your trust and he can only do that by being honest about everything. You shouldn’t have to ask for reassurance or information about where he’s been and what he’s been doing, he should offer it up freely. The onus is on him to fix the relationship, not for you to take on the challenge of rebuilding it. You’re the innocent victim here, after all.