Q: I always seem to end up in relationships - both romantic and friendship - with people who have problems. I like looking after people and helping them but it sometimes feels unfair. Often the people I've helped, don't seem to be there for me when I need them. I'm not sure why I'm like this or how to fix it.
You're a rescuer: you like "fixing" people. The upside of this is you're popular because you're tuned into other people's emotional needs and happy to nurture them. The downside is you get taken advantage of and relationships are lop-sided with you always in the 'parent' role. Where did it come from? Look at your childhood. Were you the 'good' child in your family? The only one who could be counted on to always do the right thing? If the rest of your family were irresponsible, it might have fallen to you to make sure there was food on the table and the bills got paid. If your family was volatile, it might have been you to kept the peace when arguments erupted. This can also be the result if one parent leaves and you step in to the missing parent's role. Being needed gave you a sense of being loved, and looking after everyone else stops us thinking about the fact that no-one's looking after us! Fix it by refusing to be a martyr. Don't do favours for people unless they return them. Don't try to buy love by solving problems. Gratitude is great but respect feels so much better. The less you run after people, the more they'll realise you have your own life and respect you for it.
Q: My parent's marriage was abysmal and I live in fear that I'm somehow going to end up the same. Can I prevent this happening or am I destined to repeat their mistakes?
Our parent's relationship strongly influences out own. If they had a good relationship and you want the sort of relationship your parents had for yourself, this works in your favour. All you need to do is follow your instincts: you're already programmed in the right direction. If you'd rather stay single than endure a carbon copy of your parent's marriage - which sounds like you! - write down all the qualities you dislike about it and be on the alert. That's what you'll subconsciously try to turn your relationships into, because it's familiar to you. It's a good idea to show serious partners what you've written down and to ask them to do the same with their parent's relationship. Both of you can then watch the other doesn't lapse into unwanted behaviour patterns.
Q: I'm quite rebellious and friends have told me I'm a little fierce and tend to take things the wrong way. I do feel I'm on the defensive a lot of the time. If there's an argument, I can't help but join in, even if I don't feel passionately about what's being argued about. This is stopping me meeting someone and I suspect would also stop me keeping them. Are people just born bad tempered? Can I change?
Could it be you had to fight to get respect at home when you were growing up. Younger members of large families often end up with this personality type: they had to muscle their way in to get their share and to be heard above the rabble. Sometimes, it's a result of one parent being strict and domineering and the other putting up with being bossed around. You're determined not to be a doormat like they were and in a sense, you're still fighting the battle the submissive parent should have fought. People can change - but it does take effort. It's thought our personality is genetically determined, so you could have inherited a quick temper but that doesn't mean you can't learn to control it. Stop fighting for the sake of fighting. Ask yourself: Is it so important people understand my point of view? Or am I fighting for the thrill of the fight - to prove I can win. Think through the consequences before you open your mouth. If you say your piece, what do you stand to lose? The attention of the hot guy who's watching from the sidelines? A boyfriend who's sick of coming home to a battleground? The fact you're aware of it and keen to change is a good start - now follow through.
Q: My partner tells me I'm difficult to get close to because I keep things on a superficial level. I asked my closest friend if he was right and she said the problem is I joke around too much. I don't like confrontation (does anyone?) and am aware I use humour to diffuse the situation. But I don't think that's a bad thing?
Humour is a great way to make things feel less tense and uncomfortable but it's also a way to stop people getting close. Let me guess… you were the funny one in your family who diffused tension by making everyone laugh, right? If Mum and Dad argued frequently or maintained a chilly silence, diverting attention to yourself helps lift the pressure. It's a great skill - but it can work against you. Problems need to be talked about, however difficult and uncomfortable that may be. Don't stop being funny, just work on getting the timing right. Playing the clown works well in some situations - like a party - but not when a friend's telling you something intimate or painful or your partner's upset about something. Let your partner know you've taken his comments on board and it doesn't mean you don't care if you joke inappropriately, just that it's your way of dealing with intimacy. The allow conversations to move to deeper levels. It's OK to delve into the dark side. You will feel uncomfortable initially but soon realise that being up and happy all the time isn't necessary or possible. Anyone who is, is pretending.
Q: I've always been a loner and more than happy spending lots of time alone. This isn't really a problem but it does mean I get a bit shy when I do go out. I'm also worried I'm not getting any 'practice' in social skills like making conversation. Is it bad to spend too much time alone?
It's great you like your own company! Not wanting to spend time alone is nearly always a sign of someone who has issues! But you are right in that you need experience with people in order to have successful relationships. If you don't form close relationships, you don't learn how to argue fairly, how to resolve problems, how to express and accept both affection and criticism. Did you learn from your family to avoid confrontation? Maybe one parent had a temper and you all tip-toed around them.
Or maybe your parents were just quiet people who enjoyed doing solitary things like reading. The more time you spend alone, the more independent you become - and the more isolated emotionally. Let other people in. You'll be surprised how much pleasure you can get from sharing your thoughts and dreams with others as well. Force yourself to go out and be amongst people, even if you would prefer to be home alone. Start speaking up. Start with little things - like complaining if goods or services aren't up to scratch, then work up to the biggies, like speaking up at work or in relationships. Arguments do create problems - but they often solve them as well.
