Jealous people live their lives feeling vulnerable, suspicious and insecure, their partners spend it feeling wrongly accused, spied on and shouted at. Having problems taming the beast within you or your partner?
Q: I know I have a problem with jealousy because so many ex-partners have complained about it. What I don't understand is why I'm so jealous. What makes one person jealous and another person not? My mother had an affair and left my father but surely it can't be that simple?
A: Actually it can. Experiences like these leave us with cynical attitudes about relationships. Our Mum and Dad are the most significant people in our lives and if you saw your mother treating your father badly, the message you got was that even people you love can't be trusted.
It's left you looking at the world through distorted lenses. You're seeing danger where there probably isn't any because your core trust system has been violated. Kids of unfaithful parents usually react one way or another: they turn into scared-little-mice partners, convinced their partner's about to run off with the 80-year-old cleaner at their work. Or they subconsciously decide it's a lot easier to beat them to it by being unfaithful themselves first.
Trouble is, once you start being unfaithful, this feeds your subconscious perception that everyone else is doing the same. You don't trust yourself (now or in the past), so you don't trust your partner. If you've cheated on other people numerous times and got away with it, it seems logical that others could be doing the same to you. You've taken the first step by trying to work out why you behave this way. Now actively challenge every jealous thought with this one: Just because my mother cheated, doesn't mean all people do.
Q: When I first met my boyfriend, what impressed me most was how attentive he was. He'd ring me loads, leave little notes everywhere and spend every second he could with me. I loved it but now we're six months in and I want to spend nights with my friends and family without him around. I feel this is completely reasonable but he doesn't. I'm starting to feel suffocated.
Read Tracey's response and more problems on jealousy in page two...
